I'd like to announce my bid to run for office. I understand that it's a little late in the race, but it's not over so I still may have a chance.

I'd like to tell you first of all that I'm "HONEST" and "FORTHCOMING" . I also want you to know that if I should be elected my door will always be open. (Mainly because I can never find my keys.) I will perform all of my duties with the lackluster skills and abilities you've come to expect from your elected officials.

I have very strong opinions on almost all of the issues, and I believe that these are the same opinions that my constituents have. The issues that I don't really care about I'll assign to money wasting focus groups, and research teams so that I can at least say I'm formulating some form of action either for or against that particular issue so it can go to a committee of people who really don't understand the issue at all.

Here are some thing's I'm either for or against.

I'm against welfare reform. I think the whole business of welfare is a socialist plot against hard working Americans. There are two types of people on welfare. Those who really need the help, and those who are just scamming the system. We should get rid of welfare altogether. I think those who really need the help should be allowed to get help through their local, and national charity groups such as The Salvation Army. Those who are just scamming the system could be gainfully employed in one of my groups, teams, or committees. That way they could still be scamming the system but in such a way that it would be helping us all.

I believe in individual freedoms. I think we should repeal ALL the laws that regard what you do on your own time at your own house as long as it's consensual, and nobody gets hurt. The minute someone gets hurt, or complains though, I'm reinstating ALL the laws I just repealed.

I'm a firm believer in "Gun Control". I own several guns myself and I am quite glad that I know how to control them. I just don't think anyone who is not a public figure or a criminal should own a gun. I think we should BAN all private ownership of firearms. I think the government should own all the firearms. We will however set up lending stations at strategic locations such as nightclubs and malls where high traffic situations occur. You would come to the lending station to sign out a gun, use it for however long you like, and return it when you are done. However: We would first need a urine sample, a blood sample, and have to do a psychological profile and a background check to see if you are suited to carry the firearm in a mall or nightclub.

I'm against "Abortion". I think all life is precious. Except in certain cases such as the death penalty...hmm... Funny... most people who are against abortion are for the death penalty. OK, I've changed my mind... I'll assign this to a focus group so they can appoint a committee to look into this.

I feel that taxes are a necessary evil which should be tolerated by our citizens. (That reminds me, I've got to see my tax attorney about that loophole we discussed.)

Many politicians get elected with far fewer convictions on the issues than I have, and revealing less about themselves than I do so I think I've got a better than average chance at being your next elected official.

A vote for me is a vote for the issues. A vote for me is a vote for positive change. A vote for me is a vote for the status quo. A vote for me is a vote for the people. Lastly, a vote for me is a vote against the other candidate.

Just remember that if you don't vote, and I don't get elected, I'm going to give you a phone call to harass you about it.

Subscribe to my newsletter

Unsubscribe from my newsletter

This site forged 1-15-2004©

All material on this site is copyright© by Chuck Calhoun.